Usenet Trolls, by Gilbert and Sullivan (sort of)

Special thanks to Derek DeLash, although I’m not sure if he was sending me a joke or an accusation….

Tom Holt (allegedly) on Usenet Trolls (to the tune of Gilbert &
Sullivans “Modern Major General”)

I am the very model of a Newsgroup personality.
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted too,
On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to.
Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling,
And you’re the one who pays the bill, downloading all my drivelling.
My enemies are numerous, and no one would be blaming you
For cracking my head open after I’ve been rudely flaming you.

I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it).
I wouldn’t know a valid point if I were introduced to it.
My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia.
The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery,
Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery.
I say I’m frank and forthright, but that’s merely lies and vanity,
The gibberings of one who’s at the limits of his sanity.

If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to;
If only Mom could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to;
If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery;
If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery;
If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical;
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical;
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?

But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face,
It simply isn’t safe for normal people here in cyberspace.
To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity
Would be a fitting punishment for tasteless crass duplicity.
I always have the last word; so, with uttermost finality,
That’s all from me, the model of a Newsgroup personality.

You might also want to read:

  1. (no, they don’t. sort of) Yes, Verizon Still Wants $2 From You Harry McCracken: Yes, Verizon Still Wants $2 From You: When Verizon says it won’t charge $2 for online payments, it’s saying it’ll get $2 out...
  2. Three Tales of Trolls Derek Powazek – Three Tales of Trolls: Sometimes things happen in threes. I recently read these stories and, maybe it’s just me, but I think...
  3. The USENET Olympics Someday, some poor student working on a Ph.D. is going to try to explain USENET and how it operated (and didn’t) as part of their...
  4. Usenet mavens Fascinating piece on what they’re calling “mavens” in usenet — simply defined, people who answer people who dontt answer people. In the mailing list environments...
  5. The Canonical April Fool USENET posting This is the classic April Fools forged posting — the classic forged posting warning folks to be wary of forged posting. I started posting this...