cat resolutions

(thanks to vicster for sending this along…)

I will not run through the house with a condom
wrapper in my mouth, especially when my human’s grandmother
is over.

My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am
at peace with that.

I will not leap into my human’s chair which she has
temporarily vacated, and then bite my human on the
bum when she sits back down.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for
no reason after my human has finished watching a
horror movie.

I will not sniff at my male human’s feet after he
takes his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust
and then sniff my private parts to compare odors.
My female human might find it amusing, but my male
human does not appreciate it, especially in front of
company.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the
aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must
certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink’s drain.

I will not bite my human on the rear while she is
sitting on the Big White Drinking Bowl.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, hen
come home and puke them up so the humans can see
that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub,
fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat
litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my
fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down
the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has
finished watching The X-Files.

When my human is taking a bubble bath, the two
pinkish-brown things sticking up out of the bubbles
in her chest region are NOT to be played with!

I will not fish out my human’s partial plate from
the glass so that the dog can “wear” it and pretend to
be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll
over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with
your own teeth.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for
late-night snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in
the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and
yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling)
so that my human can admire my “kill.”

I will not knead my male human’s groin at 2 a.m.
with claws extended. It seems to cause him some
discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle
of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes
up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests
Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over
my humans’ bed while they’re trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open
itself.

I am a (neutered) cat, not a peacock, and prancing
around with my tail fluffed up will not make my
balls grow back.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds
outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the
window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I
will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race
outside to chase leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into
the bushes just as my human is explaining to his
girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I
am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my human’s candlelit bubble
bath and singe my butt off.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if
there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss
and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the
rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered
creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have
to answer them.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg
instead, I will not bite own on my foot. This hurts,
and my scream scares my human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of
the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not
knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds
out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the
rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one
side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and
raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can
see me and will move out of the way when I pounce,
letting me smash into floors and walls. That does
not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my
humans sit there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the
backyard. There have been for several years. I don’t
have to act as if I’ve just discovered the Demon
Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears
in my window.

I will not play “dead cat on the stairs” while
people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else
one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the
air and attempt to catch them.

I will cease my obsession with the box my humans
keep their condoms in. This box is not for me. I will not
knock it on the ground, I will not sit on it, I will
not try to scratch it open. Especially when my
humans are using the condoms.

I will not swat my human’s head repeatedly when
she’s on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her
forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to back light
my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn’t
need my help installing a new board in her computer.

I will not bring the city police to the front door
by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the
automatic 911 dial button.

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is
writing important Emma gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv
aa35a.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay
in the house and any wild critters (frogs and
earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster
free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish
tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next
door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if
they weren’t laughing so hard.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the
guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be
allowed to remain in its bowl.

I will not put a live vole in my food bowl and
expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind
the toilet.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are
holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat
them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vet’s office so they will
start writing things in my records like “Good Kitty”
and “Sweet Kitty” instead of the stuff that’s there
now like “MEAN!!”, “BITER!!!”, and “GETHELP!!!!!”

I promise I will meditate more closely upon the
causal relationship between going dumpster diving on Sunday
afternoon and projectile vomiting Monday, and being
brought to the Evil Place Where They Stick Things Up
My Butt on Tuesday evening. I realize that if I
hadn’t done the first, none of the other things would have
happened.

I don’t need to check my male human’s aim in the
bathroom.

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then
kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is
forgiven and can now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no
matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my
tail.

If I must give a present to my human’s overnight
guests, my toy mouse is much more socially
acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn’t as tasty.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to
make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking
my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not
then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the
toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make
tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches
when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a
nap