Sigh.

Here’s a hint, from someone who used to really enjoy April Fool’s day: If you’re doing something that took under 10 minutes to think up or under 10 minutes to implement, you probably shouldn’t bother. Renaming products (“Palm POST” heh. How unique. all ten of you) and bad photoshops do not an April Fools joke make. Just an April Fool.

About the only one I’ve seen this year that shows any real thought is Michael Mace’s sideswipe of both the mobile market and the federal bailout strategy. Definitely worth a read.

I presume the big topic of discussion at the CTIA conference this week is going to be the government’s emergency bailout package for the tech industry. I was surprised this morning when US Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner replaced RIM CEO Mike Lazaridis at the CTIA keynote to announce the package, and ever since I’ve been scrambling to sort through all the details. A lot of it’s still fuzzy, but here’s what I’ve been able to figure out so far:

via Mobile Opportunity: Thoughts on the tech industry bailout.

Honorable mention as usual goes to Tidbits. Not all of their articles click with me, but they thought about it and put some time into it. And some of their pieces are pretty good.

The rest of it is pretty damn forgettable.

Curmudgeonly yours,

Someone who was doing this when most of you were in diapers.

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(hat tip: Brian Fies)

updated to point to the copy at Adult Swim….

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African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America.

But I thought Biden was vice president!

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Don’t let the finger snapping and crooning at the beginning fool you: what starts as a Mac vs. PC pastiche of West Side Story soon becomes an awesomely gory blood fest as jugulars are severed with MacBook Airs, iPod Nanos are used (Fulci-like) to puncture retinas, DVDs are used to vivisect skulls and brick-like Dell laptops to decapitate.

Via boing boing, this is really well done, if a bit gory. those of us who long ago got tired of the mac vs. pc wars could only hope both sides take each other out…

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So this year, I thought I’d talk instead about the best April Fool’s joke I ever put together, one I never had the guts to pull off.

Very simple, really. Everyone in the building at Apple I worked in at the time would show up to a memo on their desk announcing Apple’s new Drug Testing Policy.

With a sample cup. And instructions on where to drop it off.

This one had the potential for chaos on so many levels. The obvious: a drug testing policy is so against the culture of a company like Apple, it’s an obvious riff. And frankly, a “here’s our new policy” memo or email just isn’t that interesting. But toss in the sample cup and submission info, and it’d suddenly feel a lot more real — at least initially.

then think about the different layers of this: people who don’t get it who get pissed (ahem) and start screaming about it until someone clues them in.

Then start thinking about the poor person at the wrong end of the submission address. And the interoffice mail folks. And… Because you know some folks WILL. And some folks will — but using innovative substances. And…

This one goes way back, when the subject of affection was Kevin Sullivan, for whom I had no real love lost for his work at Apple.

But the reason I never did it was because the peope who’d take the brunt of the bad aspects of the joke weren’t the people it was aimed at (Sullivan, Apple HR at the time, and whiny people who scream first and think maybe), but the AA’s who’d actually have to deal with all of the submissions. And that just didn’t seem funny to me. Now, Sullivan himself dealing with them? that’d have been worth being fired over…

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What the Birds in the Park Think of Us

Francesco is Francesco Marciuliano, author of Sally Forth. And just trust me, trying to explain this won’t help. Just go read it.

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I had a chance to get a ticket but passed because it conflicted with another show I wanted to see more – Jack Benny was at the Sahara’s Hotel in Vegas.

Jack Benny is my comedy God.

I grew up a huge fan of classic comedy and old-time radio; not just Jack Benny, but a huge fan of W.C. Fields (a friend of the family was the head of his unofficial fan club, and once picketed the Movieland Wax Museum to try to get Field into it — with a thermos, and no, the thermos didn’t have water in it).

Benny could do more by standing and sighing at the audience than Lenny Bruce could with an album full of expletives. The only comic I can think of that comes close to his ability to use silence and timing is Bob Newhart.

Levine’s note made me think of two key Jack Benny moments.

The first is one of his famous bits, where a robber comes up and says “your money or your life!” — and Benny just stares at him. Finally, the robber says it again, and then Benny looks at him and says back “I’m thinking! I’m thinking!”. THAT is Jack Benny, in essence.

But another time I was in vegas, and I took in a show by George Burns. During part of it, Burns showed some clips from his TV show with Gracie Allen (and if I have to explain Burns and Allen, just move along and read something else…), and during the clips they did after Gracie decided to retire, Burns had “auditions” for her replacement.

And one of them was Jack Benny, in dress and wig. Watching Jack Benny attempt to do Gracie’s parts, with George Burns egging him on — just priceless.

Oh, of course. Here’s a classic George and Gracie — Gracie, the classic bimbo, maybe the funniest comedienne of her time, and one of the few people who could upstage Burns (and anyone else) at will.

“we have so much in common — when I was her age, I was 17, too!”

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Beatrice Arthur? Jefferson Starship?

Oh, my god.

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asnVcbWQ2cg)

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(it’s Bob’s fault. honest)

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A: left wing.

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There is a long tradition of April Fools gags in Silicon Valley, especially at Sun Microsystems, where engineers variously built a putting green (with real grass!) in founder Scott McNealy’s office one year and another year McNealy unlocked his door to find his Ferrari sports car not only assembled in the office — it was idling.

Not quite right, but the essence is there.

The putting green is true. It was actually a two hole, as I remember. After that, they assembled an old (but working) junk VW Bug in the office, not a Ferrari. The Ferrari was the next year, when they built an artificial island in the middle of one of the complex ponds and put Bill Joy’s car on it (via a ramp they also built — he drove a Ferrari, which was “borrowed” from his driveway for the hack. And then after that, they moved McNealy’s office outside onto the grass, including his phone, electricity and ethernet….

A couple of years later someone tried to wrap one of the buildings in plastic — “safe” computing, but the logistics got in the way..

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Having heard him play on a few trips to Victoria, I can say that Vader the Violinist isn’t bad at all.

In general, the huckster scene in Victoria is pretty rocking. A lot of pretty good musicians and groups and a few other things — jugglers, etc.

of course, there are exceptions. Bad Shakespeare guy, as I like to call him, offers to recite sonnets to you and your loved one for a kindly fee, and then there are the bagpipers out by the harbor. Very popular — but only if you don’t know bagpipe music… As photo ops, yes. As musicians, not so…

(via gadling)

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Here on SuddenDeathPool.com, a long list of hockey jokes. Some even funny.

This article was posted on Chuqui 3.0 at The things you find….. This article is copyright 2010 by Chuq Von Rospach under a Creative Commons license. See the web site for usage policies. Please consider subscribing to my RSS feed so you don't miss a single one of my carefully crafted, emotionally satisfying and Pulitzer-quality words.

1) take cats to vet for checkup

2) winter garden cleanup

3) put the rest of the christmas stuff back in storage

4) sharks game saturday night

5) go birding on sunday.

6) work on “outsider’s guides”

Weekend reality:

1) tear apart bedroom to find cats

2) take cats to vets for checkup

3) decide as long as bedroom is torn up it’s a good time to shampoo carpets

4) find out the carpet shampooer has died a hero (hey, it moved here with us from Mountain View….)

5) off to target for a new carpet shampooer

6) decide to watch the sharks from home — if we stay awake

7) we did (barely)

decide to stay home and take it easy, work on “outsider’s guide”

9) spend hours wandering around groups.google.com going “gee, did I really write THAT crap?”

10) afternoon nap

11) catch up on Mythbusters episodes

12) realize it’s time to crash…

How things change. Anyone who knows cats understands how the weekend went sideways. ours have this innate, psychic ability to know that the cat boxes have been pulled from storage, even if they’re not able to see that they’re moved. at some point, Archie will look at one or the other of us and canter off; we now know that he’s headed into hiding, and he usually grabs Manon and she runs off with him. If we’re lucky, it’s under the bed (if it’s not, it’s in the garage or storage room, and then we’re in big trouble)

extricating them involves tearing off all the bedsheets, then leaning the mattress and box springs against the wall with the door and closet closed and locked, and then grabbing the cats (who have welded their claws into the carpet) and stuff them in boxes. If we’re lucky, we can do this in about 20 minutes… We made the vets with 5 minutes to spare….

One of the things we discovered was that quiet, lovable Manon has another side to her. See, in the past, since Apple had christmas week off, we’d head down to my family in LA and board the animals, and the annual checkup and shots happened magically when we were gone. We’ve actually never been IN the room during a checkup since Manon’s kitten check. This year, with everything changed, we had to do the checkup ourselves.

Manon was mostly cooperative; until the vet went to take her temperature (I’ll stop a second while you ponder how cats get their temperatures taken; it’s not under the tongue). She just made it quite clear that wasn’t going to happen, and the vet smiled and declared it optional. More amusingly, when we checked her files, we found out teh ONLY time her temperature has been taken was her kitten checkup. Shots? Mildly annoying? Thermometer? not a chance.

Archie wasn’t happy, but he let us do the necessary.

Both are healthy, both are now up to date on shots and boosters. Manon is 14.5 pounds, and about a pound heavy. Archie’s 12+, and right on. All is well in the world.

And, as long as we have the bedroom torn apart, we can shampoo the carpets and get under the bed easily. No problem!

yeah, right. ohwell. I’ll finish the shampooing of the rest of the house next weekend…

I had a great time wandering through the old blog postings and the old USENET stuff today. wasn’t what I’d planned, but what the heck. Nice to run into some folks (virtually) that I haven’t seen in years. Interesting that I can go back 20+ years and document that I’ve averaged a posting a day that entire time. (note I said interesting; good? useful? productive? god knows…)

And we’re mostly up to date on TV again, except for the last two episodes of Battlestar, which I’d probably say was the best written thing on TV if it wasn’t for Dr. Who coming out of britain… just finished viewing 2nd season from Sci-Fi earlier in the week, and the way they ended year two blew me away. I’ll miss you, Rose Tyler. (now, how do they top this?)

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I doubt there’s a better explanation for what it was like to live through USENET from start to finish than the USENET Olympics. Scott Forbes had this wonderful ability to both put things in perspective and make them horribly funny at the same time, without ever taking things very seriously. Sort of like Dave Berry, sort of like Scary Movie, finding the essence within the silly.

So running into this again today was truly a trip back to the past for me; for most of you, for all I know, this is going to be gibberish….

(and, in fact, I did actually use the phrase “they aren’t rules, they’re guidelines” in the last couple of weeks, and then laughed a bit. Much to the confusion of the people I was with at the time; I declined to explain then, because that was a rathole not worth travelling. But the answer is actually here in Scott’s piece…..)

Google Groups: rec.arts.sf.misc:

[Chuq and Peter are walking away from Lawrence Stadium on a

road made entirely of asbestos bricks.]

Peter:

>Isn’t there SOMETHING you can tell me about this place, other

>than the obvious “Wizard of Oz” parallels?

Chuq:

>You must find the answers for yourself. There is no other way.

Peter:

>Who or what is at the end of the road? Emerald City? The Wizard?

Chuq:

>It will all be clear to you when we reach the end of our quest.

Peter:

>Look, all I want to do is change the Guidelines. Why is –

[There is a terrifying high-pitched wail, trailing off into

frequencies beyond human hearing, and filled with terrible purpose.

A Rulewraith on a winged steed descends from the sky, blocking

the path before Peter and Chuq. The Rulewraith looks suspiciously

like Jose Martinez:]

Rulewraith:

>THE GUIDELINES ARE INFLEXIBLE! THEY MUST BE FOLLOWED TO THE

>EXACT LETTER WITHOUT ACCOMODATION! THEY MUST NOT BE BENT OR

>ALTERED OR MODIFIED! YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE THEM!

[Horrified by the evil in the words of the Rulewraith, Peter

stands frozen in sheer terror. Chuq calmly pulls a bucket of

water out of his cloak and throws it at the Rulewraith.]

Rulewraith:

>AIYEE! I’M MELTING!

[The Rulewraith dissolves, leaving an inky puddle. Peter stares

at the puddle, then stares at Chuq.]

Chuq:

>Please do not say those words again.

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Google Groups : net.flame:

I have found what I think is a great quote to keep in mind the next time

you want to flame someone for bad spelling:

You can’t help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he

doesn’t spell it right; but spelling isn’t everything. There are days

when spelling Tuesday simply doesn’t count.

– Piglet, about Owl

Winnie-The_Pooh by A.A. Milne

He has a point. There ARE days when spelling Tuesday doesn’t count, like

Wednesday, Thursday…

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Two employees have been fired from the city’s ice skating rink after making a midnight fast-food run – in a pair of Zambonis.

The ice-groomer jockeys, both temporary city employees whose names and ages weren’t released by Boise Parks and Recreation, had to negotiate at least one intersection with a traffic light on their late-night creep from Idaho Ice World.

An anonymous caller who alerted a telephone hot line set up by Boise Mayor Dave Bieter was gassing up his car at a nearby service station at about 12:30 a.m. on Nov. 10 when he saw the Zambonis roll through a Burger King drive-through, order food, and then return to the skating rink.

A big “what were you THINKING?” goes out to our newly unemployed fans in Boise….

(but who hasn’t fantasized…..)

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Apple Accidentally Sues Itself.
Through an error committed by a lower-level paralegal several weeks ago, Apple has accidentally filed suit against itself for a host of grievances, including copyright infringement and restraint of trade.

Crazy Apple rumors is at it again. I’d — be shocked and appalled, but I can’t stop giggling.

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DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for “hampering:”

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human’s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don’t forget guests.

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At Google our mission is to organize the world’s information and make it useful and accessible to our users. But any piece of information’s usefulness derives, to a depressing degree, from the cognitive ability of the user who’s using it. That’s why we’re pleased to announce Google Gulp (BETA)™ with Auto-Drink™ (LIMITED RELEASE), a line of “smart drinks” designed to maximize your surfing efficiency by making you more intelligent, and less thirsty.

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This is going to be the biggest April Fool’s day in memory. There will be political fools and satirical fools and just plain goofy fools. I figured I could get a lot of mileage out of inventing the “blog tax” fool, and it would be a good story to tell my grandchildren. But then I realized that if it worked, I’d get all this incredibly angry mail and trackbacks and I’d have to deal with it.

So, alas, no Fools for me. Good luck tomorrow. Be careful out there.

I used to have a lot of fun with April Fools.

over the years, I’ve pretty much stopped it. partly because to do it well, it takes time and energy I haven’t had, but partly, well, partly because….

Seth nails it:

This is going to be the biggest April Fool’s day in memory. There will be political fools and satirical fools and just plain goofy fools. I figured I could get a lot of mileage out of inventing the “blog tax” fool, and it would be a good story to tell my grandchildren. But then I realized that if it worked, I’d get all this incredibly angry mail and trackbacks and I’d have to deal with it.

Partly because to do April fools right, the audience needs a sense of humor. And there are too many of you out there now who don’t, and it’s hard to justify doing it for those that do while having to put up with those that don’t…

So happy april fools, all. Read the golden oldies…

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Personally, I’ve never figured out the utility of emergency exits at 30,000 feet…..

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well, maybe they did.

product managers have senses of humor. Many times, they aren’t allowed to use them, but it sneaks out here and there. I’ll bet they know exactly what they were doing.

I have sitting proudly on my desk at work a can of cat food from a major manufacturer. It’s a generic/house brand, and the flavor is — Kitty Stew. On the label, a picture of — a cat.

It’s that same kind of disbelief as the candle. On one level, it’s a straight forward, generic can of cat food. But when you stop and look at it, and compare it to how other cans labels are designed, it’s clear the product manager meant to imply that inside is a stew made of kitties.

the marketing folks who wander through my cube love the thing. most wish they could get away with that kind of subtle put on, too.

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